Thursday, September 14, 2017

Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You were thrashing your head violently last night
I tried to stop you with all my might
And of course you just had to fight
Do you know that it broke my heart
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You cried for no reason yesterday
You refused milk, didn't want cuddles, let alone play
In the end you just wanted me to stay
So I lied next to you wiping your tears away
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You had a very short nap this afternoon
Too short, you woke up a little too soon
And cried so hard it's out of tune
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You pooped your clothes just now
Pretty sure it leaked elsewhere too, it smelled so foul
It's a lot of cleaning, not that I don't know how
But the antibiotics.. They make your bums red and raw
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You're sound asleep as I write this
Your little chest rises and falls, your hand in a fist
Your eyelids flickered as I gave you a kiss
This moment, this very moment, is such a bliss.

Hey N,
You won't be small forever, and I won't always be here
You'll stop being a baby, but I'm always going to be a mother.

Yes some days I really wanted out
Just a little break, even if it's not worth a shout
Of course it's not always possible, what are we talking about.


It doesn't matter how much it breaks my heart
Because we both know, motherhood is hard.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

A love-hate relationship.

I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding.

You know how some people are really hard on #breastisbest? I stick to my guns - #fedisbest. Not breastfeeding doesn't make you less of a mother. If you google why breastfeeding is awesome, yo'll get million hits, so I'm not gonna go into that - but I'll tell you why it's quite a complex relationship in my case. 

1. It's a whole lot of physical contact.
I'm a solitary person by nature. That didn't change when I got married, and that certainly didn't change once we had Noah. Having another tiny human physically attached to you feels slightly overwhelming. And it's mutual! Noah takes after me - he's not a cuddly baby much. So once he's had his meal, he'd fuss to be put down (or sit up!), not wanting to be cuddled. There goes mummy's boy!

2. It can be messy.
It used to be messy from all the milk dribbles (which sometimes is pretty cute, admittedly), now it's more of the fact that his eczema flare makes his head a weepy ball of mess. It's heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and, unfortunately, rather icky all the same.

3. It's automatically "he's hungry" every time he cries.
Every. Single. Time. Cry? Wants milk. Not falling asleep? Hungry for milk. Whiny? Maybe give more milk? My logic is this - if he's being bottle-fed, would you give another bottle if you know that he's had 3oz an hour ago? Probably not. So stop saying he's hungry whenever he cries. He's a baby, crying is the only way for him to communicate. And I will never hand him over to someone if I know he's hungry, what kind of mother would I be?

4. It's always my fault that I'm not careful with what I eat.
Breastfeeding itself is hard enough, now it's my fault that I'm not watching what I eat. Not pooping? You don't eat enough fibre. New rashes? That's why la, eat seafood some more. Cranky? You eat too spicy, now tummy ache. Baby always cranky (see above)? Eat so little where got enough milk.

5. It's unnerving to other people caring for him.
Admittedly, breastfed babies tend to be more clingy to their mothers. Noah is pretty much the same, but he's actually quite chill and predictable. His life is really simple - milk, some play time, nap. Repeat the cycle. But since he's being breastfed, no one can really guess how much he takes in one serving, this makes people nervous just in case there's not enough milk (expressed) at home when I go out. Or simply to be left with him without me around, in general.

Note that I didn't put the night wakings in there - it's something that I have come to term with long ago. Especially now when he wakes up more from the itching and discomfort rather than actual hunger.

Having said all of the above,  I love every single minute when he's gulping down all the milk he could get, usually no more than 7 minutes, ha! It's like our private little moment where nothing else matters to him, all he had in his mind is milk. And milk comes from mummy, therefore he needs mummy.

I also love the convenience of not having to lug hot water and bottles around when we go out, although this kinda backfires a little since I can hardly got out without him, haha.

Never mind, as long as he's growing big and healthy, (he sure is, weighing 7.4kg at 3.5 months, whoa!), it's all that matters. And I have no intention of stopping, just hoping that he will outgrow his eczema and allergies (if there's even one) soon enough so that I could eat everything again!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

First London trip.

As far as this space is concerned.. I feel like an ultimate loser!

I mean, look, I promised to get back last time and it's been more than 2 weeks!

Two weeks whaaatttt??

And that's only with one kid. ONE. Satu. Uno. Aaaannddd not working (which is awesome btw wuhoo!). I wonder how does other working mums with 2 toddlers and a baby manage to write consistently! I think discipline is key - which is what I'm lacking, like totally.

Anyway, Noah is a little over 2 months-old!

Apparently, it *does* get better, guys. I mean, he now sleeps through the night (sttn) - who would've thought, it's not a myth! Having said that though, sttn in babies is actually when they sleep at 5-hr stretch, so not quite the 12-hr that I initially thought. Hehe, but 5-hrs, for a sleep-deprived mama here, that's already heaven. Counting my blessings, Alhamdulillah!

Few weeks ago we went to London to get his passport done. We knew it would be convenient to have his passport photos ready so I flashed out my DSLR at him. Look at this. I so cannot!

Little grumpy gump at 7 weeks. THAT MIDDLE PICTURE THOUGH.

We chose this one just because it was the most symmetrical. Apparently he could pass as my parents' sixth child. Haha! I think it's the head..

Oh, we call it the "fat & furious" look. HAHAHA.

Anyway, on to London. 

I was nervous.

Super nervous.

Especially because I have never breastfed in public.

What happens if he cries? Do I just whip my boobs out?

It turned out a huge success Alhamdulillah!

The initial plan was to carry him in a baby carrier. But Adam thought we should take the stroller as well. Which turned out as the best decision ever. Other than sushi buffet, of course.

We took the train from Northampton to London.

And then the bus around London.

Daddy at work.

I had a nursing cover with me, so the first time I fed him was on the train. In front of strangers commuting to work. It felt pretty strange, but no one batted an eyelid. Such a liberating experience. Really, honestly. The whole trip, not just the nursing in public, lol. I never thought I would say that but it really was.
Parenting confidence level: 999

We met a nice family at Malaysian High Comm - apparently their baby shares the same birthday as Noah - 15/5/17 how crazy!

While waiting to collect his passport, we had our sushi fix.

And I'm officially an expert at eating single-handedly.

We also found out Noah isn't too impressed with sushi, haha.

The place is called Sushi Eatery, located in Soho area. The food is amazing. It's all-you-can-eat for just under £20pp. The sashimis are especially wonderful. It's Malaysian-owned, all the more reasons to love it!

So that was it - his first trip to London.

You're officially a Malaysian citizen, young man!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Eid 2017.

I'm in the middle of writing up a blog post when the little man started screaming.. So I'll leave you with our family picture during Eid for now.

I'll be back.. Promise! xx

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My son, Noah.

After 3 long days being cooped up on the ward, the day we got to meet Seed was finally there!

I remember feeling nervous the night before when midwife came in to remind me that I needed to be nil by mouth (fasting) and gave me the ranitidine (anti acid) tablet. The uncertainties were overwhelming! I told the midwife, if myself, a doctor, working at that very hospital, was feeling that way, imagine other patients. Future mums. Being at the receiving end of NHS couldn't feel weirder.

That Monday morning, I was up early. Not that I could sleep much anyway. Adam came, and I was told to change into the hospital gown and put the TED stockings on (they were horrible!) and make my way to labour ward. Specifically, the operating theatre. Not sure why, I wasn't particularly anxious anymore - Adam instead had this worried look all over his face, haha. The consultant did another scan. Seed was still breech, but wasn't footling anymore. Oh well not that it mattered at that time.

Right before I popped!

After a whole lot of check by the obs gyn and anaesthetist, in I went.

The consultant anaesthetist was amazing. He was too kind - he put lidocaine (local anaesthetic) onto my hand before putting in a grey (largest possible) cannula! Yes, I judge kindness by how unlikely you're going to inflict pain on me, lol.

But no, really, Dr Salter (the cons) was just too sweet - when I said I was an FY1 - he asked which med school I was from, what I wanted to specialise in later (ha!) - and I suddenly felt like an FY1 again, it felt normal. Instead of the "paediatrician parents" the midwife have been referring us to! (so much pressure).

Aaandddd, the spinal kicked in, I was paralysed waist down. Again, another super strange feeling.

Aaaanddd Adam was called in.

Aaannddd less than 10 minutes later, we heard the loud strong cry.

Aaandddd the whole theatre was amazed at how chunky this baby was.

Aaaandddd even more amazed at his actual birth weight - 3.945kg.

Aaaanddd here's our little man, born 15th May 2017, at 1107 via elective caesarean.

My two boys.

I want to remember this look - fresh out of oven, covered with icky gooey stuff from the womb, with blotchy face and newborn rashes.

"Your first breath took mine away."

Meet my son, Noah.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Seed: 39 weeks.

I have to backdate this post as a lot of things happened in the last week but I'm so determined to finish this Seed series until he gets here!

First off, my mum arrived on Thursday at Heathrow, Alhamdulillah!

Man I was huge D:

39 weeks was quite a drama. We had the growth scan on Friday. I was having pretty bad backache and contractions (at least that's what I thought) at the clinic. Midwife did the scan..

And boom. Our world was turned upside down. And Seed took it quite literally.

He was breech! Like literally upright breech! You know when I said I could feel his bum stuck up in my ribs, it was actually his head. And we've been poking that head (haha, sorry buddy) all this while. Quite funny when I think about it.

Not funny for the midwife though. She had this worried look all over her face. Asked me how long have I had the pain, if it was changing, and all that jazz..

Apparently Seed was footling breech. That took breech to another level, ha!

Footling breech is when baby's feet inside the pelvis. Imagine the baby "floating" cross-legged in the tummy, that's how it looks like. Thing about footling breech is, it's the rarest form of breech with highest risk of complication, namely cord prolapse. And cord prolapse is when the umbilical cord gets squashed before baby is born, cutting the blood supply and oxygen to the baby. What happens is that baby's tiny foot pokes through the cervix, creating a vacuum, causing the cord to get "sucked" out as well. We're talking about vaginal delivery here. Which is pretty tricky in footling breech.

So I was hooked up to a CTG machine, and walla, they found some uterine activity, albeit irregular. Cervix was completely closed, so good thing I was not in labour. But since I was already 39w, the safest option was to be admitted. Yes, admitted straight from clinic. Over the weekend. With a semi-elective caesarean section planned on the next Monday.

Woha, did I say caesarean?

Wohaaa, wasn't I dead scared of being induced, and now we're talking caesarean?

So straight to the ward I went. They wouldn't even let me go home for an hour to get my stuff! *cries*

But good thing was.. We got a room to ourselves! By "we" I mean Seed and I, as Adam had to go home by 10pm, sads.

Our own ensuite toilet, which Adam was clearly very excited about.

This room doesn't come cheap though. While my condition didn't warrant me for having a side room, (I was perfectly healthy!) it was given because I work with the NHS. And my husband too. And since we were both (Adam still is) in paediatrics, they call us the paediatricians. HAHAHAHA. Too cute I cannot.

#perksofbeingadoctor #savetheNHS

So yes, I was admitted for 5 days including the operation itself.. It wasn't too bad if I'm honest. I've had nothing bad to say about the service, cewah, but it could be due to the known fact that I'm a doctor at the hospital. Although I'm sure the standard of care wouldn't vary that much. Maybe no side room, but hey, if someone else needed it for clinical reasons, I'm sure I would be evicted too. #patientsafety 

Next up, we finally get to meet Seed!